WHY DO ALL SUPERHERO FILMS HAVE TO BE SO LOUD? CHRIST, TRY AND REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THERE WAS ONE THAT HAD A MOMENT OF GENUINE SILENCE, WHICH DIDN'T PUNCTUATE EVERY SCENE WITH HANS ZIMMER MUSIC AND A BIG FUCK-OFF EXPLOSION. YOU CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU? AND THIS FILM, A KIND OF NERD MECCA, HAS TO BE THE LOUDEST OF THEM ALL. IT'S NOT COMPLETELY TERRIBLE, IT'S JUST EXHAUSTING - LIKE BLASTING AC-DC FROM A HELICOPTER, WHILE HAVING TO MAINTAIN A CONVERSATION WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
THE PLOT IS A BIG FUCK-OFF MESS, BUT IT MOSTLY CENTRES AROUND TWO MEN, BUILT LIKE FRIDGES, PREPARING TO BEAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT OUT OF ONE ANOTHER. BEN AFFLECK PLAYS BATMAN, AND SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME SNARLING AND MOANING ABOUT HIS DEAD PARENTS. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SEEN THEM DIE, NOW? THOUGH BATMAN'S STORYLINE IS CERTAINLY MORE COMPELLING THAN SUPERMAN'S, WHO SPENDS MOST OF THE TIME MOANING ABOUT HIS AWESOME SUPERPOWERS AND ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND - PLAYED BY AMY ADAMS, NO LESS. AND THEN LEX LUTHOR SHOWS UP, AND WONDER WOMAN, AND YOU JUST WANT TO SIT IN THE CORNER AND HAVE A CUP OF TEA, AND MAYBE A LITTLE CRY. BUT YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE THE FILM GOES ON FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS. TWO AND A HALF HOURS. TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
AFFLECK IS FINE, HENRY CAVILL IS FINE, JESSE EISENBERG GIVES THE WORST PERFORMANCE OF HIS CAREER. I WILL BEGRUDINGLY ADMIT THAT ZACK SNYDER STAGES A FEW GOOD ACTION SCENES THAT, IF SEEN IN ISOLATION, WOULD BE BRUISINGLY EFFECTIVE. BUT TAKEN AS A WHOLE, BATMAN VS SUPERMAN IS A HUMOURLESS, TWO AND A HALF HOUR BOUT OF ENDURANCE, WHICH MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN MADE BY A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD. BUILDING UP TENSION? PACING? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF QUEER? LET'S DO TWELVE EXPLOSIONS IN THE SPACE OF A MINUTE! FUCK YEAH!
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